I'm a fighter, but God won't let me fight

     From childhood on I had to fight for survival.  Sometimes that meant physically fighting and sometimes, more often, it was a mental fight.  Fighting became a way of life for me.  It became normal. I came to a place that not having to fight was uncomfortable.  I didn't really know how to exist without it.
     Then came PTSD.  I won't bother with a long explanation of all of the stuff that goes along with this diagnosis.  I google search will tell you all you need to know.  What I will say is that suddenly I was facing an enemy that I couldn't fight.  Not that I haven't tried.  The problem is that there is nothing to fight with.  It's in my head and it has changed my brain chemicals.
      I've tried to keep up the fight, but it's like fighting a ghost.  It's there one minute and gone the next.  I'm left with no options but to stop.  Stop fighting, stop trying to escape it.  Even to type this las sentence seems like failure to me.  But, I guess I could only fail if I was allowed to try.  I am not.
      I'm not sure why God has me in this position.  I don't know why He has not opened up a new path like He always has before.  This is the only time in my life where God has not opened up a door in a fairly short amount of time.  This time He has left me in place.  Left me to seemingly do nothing.  He has left me no way to fight back.  No way to do it on my own.
     He has put me in a position to only live and trust Him.  I don't think most of us know, really know, what it means to put all of our trust in God alone.  We talk about it.  We read about it.  We listen to preachers talk about it.  But total surrender to God is a much more challenging endeavor than many of us truly understand.  Surrender to His will takes strength that only He can provide.  It requires one to come to an understanding that it's not about me.  It's not about my abilities or skills.  It's about Him and Him alone.
     It is in this surrender that I'm thankful.  I'm not sure why God chose me for this task of teaching others how to surrender, but I'm praying that He will work through me to teach others to do the same without having to pinned down under His loving thumb.